Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
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*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future