Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
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I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.