If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
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Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.