My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
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The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.