Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
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After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Taking phone security to the next level.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time