Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
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Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.