[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
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Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
I’ll be mad as hell!
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
my one true gender
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*