Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
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I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate