Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
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“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
The honesty is refreshing
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross