I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
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Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
incredible
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore