Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
You Might Also Like
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.