“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
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It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now