people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
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I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.