I need better friends
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Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Breakfast for Stoners:
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
all that yoga finally paid off
The photographer’s assistant
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Cinematography is my passion
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis