Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
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No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.