One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
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When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
All excellent questions