Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
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I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash