“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
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thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer