What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
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Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I put the mess in domestic.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”