If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
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*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.