By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
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Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.