My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
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Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid