[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
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Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
But I really needed water water water
We like the way Dwight thinks
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season