[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
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Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Great game to play with friends