If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
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Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
drew a comic about my origin story
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.