Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
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I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*