From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
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Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.