Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic