*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
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How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.