Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
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me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*