Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
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If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
good let them take over I have had enough
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”