Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
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Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
calling in to work dehydrated
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.