Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
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pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
#MeanwhileinCanada
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.