Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
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I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.