Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
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I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
She was REALLY feeling it.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.