Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
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One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer