My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
You Might Also Like
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce