ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
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I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
I beg your pardon?
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Great Canadian literature.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.