Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
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Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
I cannot call her anything else now
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys