LA today:
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If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
😂😂😂😂😂😂
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger