Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
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A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.