[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
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Hello My Friends…
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So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
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Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
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Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
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me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
plant them where lol
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me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad