I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
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Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.