Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
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who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
This made me chuckle cuz mood
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them