Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
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Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Found the job I’m suited for
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling