Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
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Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.