on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
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I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Love thy neighbor’s dog
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.