Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
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Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
You are what you delete.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.