This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
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ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
The dark side of Canada
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Respect
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
dutch is not a serious language
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
moms in horror movies
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.