My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
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friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
What do you hear?
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
he looks great for his age
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know